Sample · Cold email
A made-up pitch to a Sales Director at Brightwater Insurance. Every person and company here is fictional.
Subject
Ramp time for your new account managers
Hi Claire, I saw on LinkedIn that Brightwater is hiring six account managers this quarter, congratulations on the growth. I'm Sam from Practisly. We help sales teams cut ramp time with AI roleplay, so new reps can practise discovery calls before they speak to real customers. Our customers typically see new hires reach quota around 30% faster. Would you be open to a 20-minute call next week to see if it could help your team? Best, Sam
Would I reply?On a good day.
The six hires made me look, and the 30% is interesting, but a 20-minute call from a stranger is a big first ask. Give me an easy question instead.
65 out of 100
Gets the point in about 21 seconds, past the 10 a buyer gives it. Full read about 21 seconds.
The 10 points
Strong 4OK 5Weak 1
- 01 GreetingStrong
“Hi Claire,”
Hi and my first name, right tone for email. Nothing to fix here.
- 02 SubjectOK
“Ramp time for your new account managers”
It's about my team and honest, so I'd open it. But it could go to any sales director. Name Brightwater or the six hires.
- 03 Delivers on the subjectStrong
“Brightwater is hiring six account managers this quarter”
The first line goes straight to my new account managers, so the subject is paid off at once.
- 04 About themOK
“I'm Sam from Practisly.”
It opens on my hiring, which is good. Then three lines on Sam and Practisly before the ask. Stay on my ramp problem longer.
- 05 ValueOK
“Our customers typically see new hires reach quota around 30% faster.”
A 30% claim is interesting but it's about your customers, not me. Give me one insight on ramp time I can use without replying.
- 06 PersonalisationStrong
“Brightwater is hiring six account managers this quarter”
The six hires are why you're writing to me now, and the ramp pitch hangs on them. That's personalisation doing real work.
- 07 Reason to replyOK
“Would you be open to a 20-minute call next week to see if it could help your team?”
Twenty minutes and a call next week is a real ask of my time. A one-word question about ramp time would be easier to answer.
- 08 PersonalityOK
“Would you be open to”
It's polite and human, but "Would you be open to" is a line I've seen a hundred times. Say it the way you'd say it aloud.
- 09 Gets the point in 10 secondsWeak
Gets the point in about 21 seconds.
Takes about 21 seconds to get the point, and a buyer gives it about 10. Say what it's about and what you want in the first two lines.
- 10 FormattingStrong
Short paragraphs, no links, a two-line sign-off. Easy to read on my phone.
The rewrite
Your offer and your voice, cut to what a buyer needs. Anything in [square brackets] is yours to fill in: I don’t make up facts.
Subject
Ramp time for Brightwater's six hires
Hi Claire, Six new account managers this quarter means six people learning discovery calls on live customers. Our customers typically see new hires reach quota around 30% faster after practising with AI roleplay first. Is ramp time something you're watching, or is it under control? Best, Sam
Gets the point in about 13 seconds, past the 10 a buyer gives it. Full read about 13 seconds.
Now I would.65 to 85 out of 100