Just following up

Sample · Cold email

A made-up pitch to a Operations Director at Halden Foods. Every person and company here is fictional.

Would I reply?Not to this one.

Two broken merge fields and a fake 'Re:' tell me this is a mass mail. I've no idea what you sell or why it's for me.

5 out of 100

1. 01 GreetingWeak

   “Hi {FirstName},”

   I see a raw {FirstName} where my name should be. It tells me this went out to a list, and I stop reading there.

2. 02 SubjectWeak

   “Re: Following up”

   'Re:' suggests we've already talked, and we haven't. It says nothing about me or my business. A plain, specific subject would earn more trust.

3. 03 Delivers on the subjectWeak

   “Just following up on my previous emails as I haven't heard back.”

   The subject promises a follow-up and I get one, but there's no earlier thread and no content behind it. I want the actual point up front.

4. 04 About themWeak

   “Just following up on my previous emails as I haven't heard back.”

   The opening is about you not hearing back, and then 'our platform'. Nothing is about my situation. Open on a problem I might actually have.

5. 05 ValueWeak

   “We've helped lots of companies like yours.”

   'Lots of companies like yours' and 'game-changer' give me nothing to learn. One specific result or pattern at similar firms would be worth reading.

6. 06 PersonalisationWeak

   Nothing here is about me or my company, and the merge field shows it. A real detail about my business would change how I read this.

7. 07 Reason to replyOK

   “Can you let me know who the right person to speak to is?”

   It's one question with no meeting demanded, which I like. But naming the right person takes work and I don't know what for. Ask something I can answer in a word.

8. 08 PersonalityWeak

   “Just following up”

   'Just following up' and 'game-changer' make this read like a template. I can't hear a person in it. Say something only you would say.

9. 09 Gets the point in 10 secondsWeak

   The point never becomes clear.

   I can't tell what this is about or what you want, so the point never lands. Say both in the first two lines.

10. 10 FormattingWeak

    “Hi {FirstName},”

    {FirstName} and {Company} are both still in there. Paragraphs are short, which helps, but I'd bin it on sight. Check every field before sending.

The rewrite

Your offer and your voice, cut to what a buyer needs. Anything in [square brackets] is yours to fill in: I don’t make up facts.