Sample · LinkedIn message
A made-up pitch to a VP Sales at Northlight Software. Every person and company here is fictional.
Hi Marcus, enjoyed your post about SDRs spending half their day on research. We built a tool that pulls account research into one page before each call, and the teams using it get about an hour a day back per rep. Would it be worth a look for Northlight? Happy to share a short video. Priya
Would I reply?On a good day.
Opening on my post got my attention, but the pitch turns to your tool fast and the ask is soft. Give me one sharp question about my reps' time.
75 out of 100
Gets the point in about 13 seconds, past the 10 a buyer gives it. Full read about 14 seconds.
The 10 points
Strong 5OK 5Weak 0
- 01 GreetingStrong
“Hi Marcus,”
Hi Marcus, is right for LinkedIn: friendly, personal and short. Nothing to fix here.
- 02 SubjectStrong
“Hi Marcus, enjoyed your post about SDRs spending half their day on research.”
Opening on my own post about SDRs and research tells me this isn't a mass blast. That got me to keep reading.
- 03 Delivers on the subjectStrong
“We built a tool that pulls account research into one page before each call”
The very next line picks up the research problem from my post and answers it. The opening is paid off straight away.
- 04 About themOK
“We built a tool that pulls account research into one page before each call”
It opens on my post, but then two of the next three lines are about your tool. More on my team's day would help.
- 05 ValueOK
“the teams using it get about an hour a day back per rep”
An hour a day per rep is a decent claim, but it's about your customers and I can't check it. One insight about my team would land better.
- 06 PersonalisationStrong
“enjoyed your post about SDRs spending half their day on research”
My post is the reason you're writing, and the whole pitch hangs off it. Take it out and the message falls flat.
- 07 Reason to replyOK
“Would it be worth a look for Northlight?”
It's a fair question, but 'worth a look' is vague and the video offer after it muddies things. End on one clear question.
- 08 PersonalityOK
“enjoyed your post about SDRs spending half their day on research”
It reads like a real person and has no stock phrases. But there's no turn of phrase or view that only you would write.
- 09 Gets the point in 10 secondsOK
Gets the point in about 13 seconds.
Gets the point in about 13 seconds, a little slow. Land the point and the ask inside 10.
- 10 FormattingStrong
“Hi Marcus, enjoyed your post about SDRs spending half their day on research. We built a tool”
It's a short DM with a plain sign-off, no links and no clutter. Easy to read on my phone.
The rewrite
Your offer and your voice, cut to what a buyer needs. Anything in [square brackets] is yours to fill in: I don’t make up facts.
Hi Marcus, Your post about SDRs spending half their day on research stuck with me. We built a tool that puts account research on one page before each call. Is research eating into your team's selling time at Northlight too? Priya
Gets the point in about 10 seconds. Full read about 10 seconds.
Now I would.75 to 85 out of 100