Sign-ups, but no bookings

Sample · LinkedIn message

A made-up pitch to a Head of Partnerships at Tidewell Travel. Every person and company here is fictional.

Would I reply?Yes, I would.

You started with my own post, showed you'd seen the same problem elsewhere, and asked something I can answer in one word. That's rare in my inbox.

95 out of 100

1. 01 GreetingStrong

   “Hi Rosa,”

   Hi and my first name, right tone for LinkedIn. Nothing to fix here.

2. 02 SubjectStrong

   “your post said partner sign-ups jumped but activation didn't”

   It opens on something I actually posted, so I know it's meant for me. That earned the next line from me.

3. 03 Delivers on the subjectStrong

   “We saw the same at two travel brands: partners stalled before their first booking.”

   The very next line picks up my sign-up and activation gap and shows others hit it too. No bait and switch.

4. 04 About themStrong

   “your post said partner sign-ups jumped but activation didn't.”

   It starts with my situation and stays on my problem. The seller only appears as someone who has seen it before.

5. 05 ValueStrong

   “A welcome call in week one fixed most of it.”

   I learn something useful even if I never reply: stalls before the first booking, and a week-one call helped. A number or two would make it stronger.

6. 06 PersonalisationStrong

   “your post said partner sign-ups jumped but activation didn't”

   The whole message hangs on my own post. Take it out and the message falls apart, which is how it should work.

7. 07 Reason to replyStrong

   “Want the call script?”

   I can say yes in one word and it asks for no time. Easy to answer, no pressure.

8. 08 PersonalityOK

   “A welcome call in week one fixed most of it.”

   It reads human and clean, with no stock phrases. It's short and plain, so I can't hear much of Ben yet. A touch of his own voice would help.

9. 09 Gets the point in 10 secondsStrong

   Gets the point in about 10 seconds.

   Gets the point in about 10 seconds: the opening line tells me what it's about, and by this line I know what you want.

10. 10 FormattingStrong

    “Hi Rosa, your post said partner sign-ups jumped but activation didn't.”

    It reads like a DM and fits on my phone screen. Four short sentences in one block is fine here, and the sign-off is just a name.

The rewrite

Your offer and your voice, cut to what a buyer needs. Anything in [square brackets] is yours to fill in: I don’t make up facts.